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 Reality Steve Bachelor Recap 2/8/10

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PostSubject: Reality Steve Bachelor Recap 2/8/10   Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:12 pm

Bachelor Recap 2/8/10 *** Warning Includes Spoiler about F1

Quote :
If you haven’t been back to the site since last Thursday, I suggest you scroll down when you’re done reading, and check out Thursday’s post including a Mike Fleiss interview where he addresses the spoilers I’ve released. Also covers a few things that a lot of you are asking regarding Vienna’s reputation taking a beating in “US Weekly”. Not surprising, but you gotta remember to separate the Vienna you’re hearing about now as opposed to the one who was filming in October and November. Jake would have no clue this would eventually all come out against her, and even then, it’s his decision to choose what to believe and what not to believe about her. Hey, Jillian stuck by Ed even after text messages and emails proved he was contacting other women while he was on the show, while he left the show the first time, and even after he got back from filming an engagement. So who’s to say Jake isn’t gonna do the same thing once everyone comes down hard on him for choosing Vienna? He’s kind of in a lose-lose situation. If he’s already dumped her, people will get on him for not sticking by the woman he fell for during filming and immediately believing what’s being said about her. And if he stays with her, people will ask, “Is he blind? Does he not care about her past we’re all hearing about?” Not saying it’s fair, just saying that’s what will happen in the upcoming weeks.

I can’t tell you people how excited I am for “Bachelor Pad” to air this summer. The reason why is, this is going to be a completely different concept than we’re used to. Sure, Chris Harrison is hosting, Fleiss is behind it, and it’ll have a lot of the same music and storytelling, however, it’s not going to be a dating show. Although details are still sketchy at this point, if it’s along the lines of “Big Brother” (which is what we’re being led to believe), then how can this not be a success for them? I’m guessing most of the people they’re going to cast have some sort of past with each other. Either they fought during their seasons, or hooked up off camera, or even dated and have broken up. Now we get to see them all living in a house, competing in challenges for money AND hooking up? Awesome. No more stupid dates, no more cheesy recycled lines, no more rose ceremonies, no more fake engagements, etc…So you may hate watching the “Bachelor/ette” and all its stupidity, but if you still watch, then there’s no way you don’t watch “Bachelor Pad”. And if Tanner’s Facebook status over the weekend tells us anything, we might be seeing him appear on that show. Not surprising since he’s exactly the type of contestant they’re looking for in that house.

Since there’s been a lot of questions asked regarding this season and a lot of hoopla surrounding the spoilers I gave out back on Jan. 6th, I figured the best way to address everything people want to know is to have some sort of Q&A session. Well, thanks to the website JokersUpdates.com, tomorrow at 6pm EST, I will be doing a 1 1/2 hour live podcast where people will be able to call in and ask questions. There are two things you can do to listen tomorrow:

1) Come back to www.RealitySteve.com tomorrow at 6pm EST where I’ll have posted the icon where you can listen
2) Or, click on this link and listen from there: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/jokersupdates/2010/02/10/jokers-talks-with-reality-steve

There will be an icon on the screen that has the phone number to call in on if you have any questions you want to ask. Or if you just want to call me up and curse me out for telling you what was going to happen ahead of time, hey, I’m fair game. Sure, I’ll answer any questions you have to the best of my ability, but if you want to call up with some issue you have against me or site, I’ll be more than happy to discuss that with you as well. It’s very easy to snipe at me on other message boards or without directly asking me things yourself, so I figured why not give everyone a chance to ask me whatever the hell they want? Tomorrow night, 6pm EST, right here on RealitySteve.com, an open forum to discuss anything and everything “Bachelor/ette” related. Be there. Or here.

The group codes have been sent out for booking rooms at the Venetian hotel. The last day to guarantee the group rate I have set aside is tomorrow, Feb. 10th. However, they have told me they will extend that date at least another few days, so if you plan on making the trip out March 5th-7th, and you’d like to stay at the Venetian but haven’t booked your room yet, I suggest you do it soon. I would not want anyone not to go because the rates shot up on you. Everyone who has contacted me and has shown interest, your email is saved and you will be getting updates over the next three weeks. Anyone still interested, you still have time to make your reservations, whether you stay at the Venetian or not. Look forward to seeing you there. Should be a great time. Of course it will be, it’s Vegas. It’s impossible to have a crappy time there. Well…forget it. On to last night…

-I cannot say with 100% certainty since it’s very tough to gauge this sort of thing, but in this the 19th edition of this franchise, I think last night’s episode had more crying in it than any previous episode. Or ten episodes combined. Holy crap. There was crying in every hometown date at some point, and did you notice that once the hometown dates were wrapped up, we still had 45 MINUTES LEFT IN THE SHOW!!!! Good Lord. That last 45 minutes could’ve easily been done in about ten minutes. That was completely unnecessary. The good news? Because there wasn’t much to really write about over the last 45 minutes, this is probably going to be the shortest column of the season. Sure I’ll cover all the hometown dates (and there were some beauties), and I’ll touch a little bit on Ali’s exit (even though it was pretty much what I had anticipated and what I was told), but other than that, it really dragged out there at the end. Could’ve been wrapped up much, much quicker than that. But, it’s a 2 hour show, they need to ramp up the drama, and they did. I thought I was watching a soap opera there for a moment. Oh wait, this is a soap opera. My bad.

-First hometown date is with Gia in New York City. You know what I noticed about Gia? Well, other than the bolt-ons she has and the beak job she had done. I noticed that when she’s excited to see Jake, she jumps into his arms and straddles him like a monkey. I half expect her to start eating a banana and making chimp noises while she’s latched on to him. It’s kinda weird to say the least. I mean, I’m all for a good hug and everything, but please, quit jumping on me and trying to squeeze the life out of me with your legs. At least while our clothes are still on. Gia: “Now that I’m here alone with him, I can finally let my guard down.” You mean, like tell him how awkward of a couple you two make? Talk about two people with completely different lifestyles. I’m sorry Gia, I know you’re trying to convince yourself you’re falling for the guy (probably because the producers are telling you too), but if you were really honest with yourself, there’s not a chance in hell you two could ever be together. You’re a NY city girl and he’s a dork from Denton, Tx. Ain’t happening. Sorry. Go back to dating MLB pitchers and hockey players who pass women around like they’re joints.

-My favorite part of their date was up next. As they took a boat ride around New York, Gia decided to play tour guide. Gia: “That’s the Empire State Building with the long, pointy thing at the top.” No sh**? Are you sure? Whew. Thanks for pointing that out. I know Jake might be a dumb Texan and all, but I’m guessing even he is able to pick out arguably the worlds most recognizable building in New York City. Hey Gia, why don’t you fill Jake in on those other two buildings that were once close together but came down back in September of 2001. I’m sure Jake has no clue about that either. Something to do with terrorist attacks and the like. Hell, even I’m unclear on the whole thing. What were those called again? This Gia is a fountain of information. So these two decided to be cute and take pictures of themselves. I also found this amusing since Gia would hold the camera away from their face, Jake would lean in, and she’d take the snapshot. Yet the snapshot they showed us on screen was from a completely different angle taken by the cameraman. Really captured the moment, huh? I’m guessing after Gia gets sent home next week in St. Lucia, she went straight to that camera and deleted all those pictures. Or printed them out and drew mustaches and horns on Jake’s face.

-Jake is really starting to get in to Gia. More in to her than you could ever want to imagine. Jake: “I have such a burning desire to get to know her heart.” Barf. Who says these types of things? Seriously. I know it’s a show and all, but did he craft all these before the show started, write em’ all down, then just start reeling them off one-by-one? He’s got at least two or three of these a week that just sound like something out of a Hallmark card and completely phony. The best one is yet to come, and I’m sure you know which one I’m talking about. Gia is a little nervous to show Jake to her parents. Gia: “You’re the first guy to meet my parents that I wasn’t friends with earlier.” Yeah, and I’m sure you and Carl Pavano were lifelong friends before deciding to consummate your relationship. I’m guessing that’s not quite how it worked. Probably saw you out at a bar after a game, bought you drinks, and before you knew it, you were back at his place…ummmm…talking. Yeah, that’s it. As for the hockey player, he probably saw you in Maxim, had his agent contact your agent, and before you knew it, you were back at his place…ummmm…talking. Gia doesn’t seem to be one that wastes any time. This whole “I’m-the-ugly-duckling-nobody-liked-me-I’m-totally-insecure” bit is getting old. If you’re posing half naked in men’s magazines, let’s cut out the whole “I’m shy” act. It’s annoying.

-Gia then talks a little about her past without mentioning Carl’s name or that hockey player from the Ottawa Senators. Chris Campoli. Yeah, him (Sorry, just had to look it up in “US Weekly”. Didn’t want to disrespect the guy by constantly referring to him as “that hockey player”). Anyway, Gia informs Jake that one of her ex’s slept with all her best friends. Well, apparently they can’t be that good of friends if they decided to sleep with your boyfriend, so there’s your first problem. Your second problem, and probably the easiest to rectify, is the fact that you dated a professional athlete. Gia, what did you expect? That’s what these guys do. As good looking as he may think you are, and you may think you are, in every city he goes to, he can basically pick and choose whoever he wants to be with. That’s how it works with them. They don’t even have to put out an effort. It comes to them. They are pro athletes. Hundreds of women all across America could not care less what this guy’s interests are, they just want to sleep with them so they can tell others that they did. Or to get impregnated so they can live off child support. You don’t believe me? Go read that story on NBA groupies in “Sports Illustrated” a few years back. These women have NO shame whatsoever and readily admit to all this. It’s a sad, sad fact but it’s true. I cannot feel sorry for anyone who ever gets involved with a professional athlete. You’re gonna get hurt, bottom line.

-Just to expand on this a little bit more, let’s take three of the most famous athletes of our generation, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, and Kobe Bryant. P***y hounds. All three of em’. Anybody that knows anything about Michael Jordan knows that in his hey day, he was the most notorious skirt chaser in the NBA. He liked to drink, gamble, and chase women. Which is what made him that much more amazing considering the guy never fell off his game with all those distractions. Tiger? Well, we’ve all seen what he’s capable of. Swinging his club around is not only his profession, but he does it in his spare time as well. And often. You think that one night in Colorado with that skank hotel concierge was the ONLY time Kobe was with another woman? Really? Just the one time he happened to slip up he gets caught? Uh huh. Sure it was. It’s part of who they are. From the time they were teenagers, everyone has kissed their ass. By the time they’re in their 20’s, they have more money than they know what to do with, so they feel invincible. They ALL cheat. ALL of em’. I’ve been in locker rooms, I’ve interviewed players, and I’ve covered sports pretty much my whole life. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes and I’ve got enough bizarre stories that’ll make your head explode. So bottom line: Gia, sorry honey. You date an athlete, you reap what you sow.

-So now we get to meet Gia’s family at a restaurant as opposed to her house. Not sure why and don’t really care. But I dig the family. Mom Donna, stepdad Tony (with a ponytail), half brother Dylan, and step brother Erick, who obviously borrowed Pauly D’s hair gel for the night. Think Erick is a fan of “Jersey Shore”. Ummmmm, I’d say so. Probably called all his boys before last nights show. “Awwwww sh** kid! Check me out on TV tonight, homie! We gonna be fist pumpin’ like crazy!” And in one of the rare oddities I’ve ever seen in life, who’d ever think that Gia’s stepdad from New York would be named Tony and have a ponytail? You’re kidding, right? Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that they’re gonna have pasta for dinner. Which they did. Tony pulls Jake aside for a little chat. Oh boy. This should be interesting watching these two MENSA’s lock horns. “So uhhh, aye-oh, uhhh you like uhhhh in love wit’ all four of deez girlz?” Jake: “Immediate chemistry…organic…different than the other girls…” I started dozing off here. No idea what Jake was getting at. I was enamored with all the Italian heritage at the table. Only if this dinner could’ve taken place at Olive Garden would it have been more perfect. Or Buca di Beppo.

-So while Jake is inside trying to figure out what Tony is saying, Gia is outside with her mom and lets her in on something pretty shocking. Gia: “He’s not like any of the other guys I’ve dated.” Yes, he sure is. Cuz’ he owns a limo company and gives flying lessons whereas Carl and Chris were millionaires playing professional sports, traveling the US, and banging women in different cities, including your friends. So yeah, I can see where he’d be a tad different than the douchebags you’re used to going out with that treat you like dirt, cheat on you, then you wonder why your heart always gets broken. So she basically asks her mom, “Do you think Jake will do to me what they did?” Mom did her best to ensure her Jake is different than Carl and Chris by lying. “He’s in love with you. I can see it in his eyes.” Yes he is. Until next week, then he’s not. Jake’s big thing tonight was telling all the parents how protective he will be. I mean, what are you supposed to say, “You know, at the drop of hat, in any sign of crisis, I pretty much jump ship. I’ll leave your daughter in a second.” Of course that’s what he’s gonna say. He’s protective. Great. When it’s raining, he’ll put his jacket down so she can walk over a puddle. Outstanding. Man of the Year.

-I guess Jake walked her back to her apartment at the end of the night. Or they just decided to sit down on some random apartments stoop so Gia could do one of her favorite things, “sitting on a stoop and watch the cabs go by.” Wow. Doesn’t take much to entertain her, does it? That’s one of your favorite things to do? Really? I’m gonna be in NY in three weeks and I can tell you what I won’t be doing, and that’s enjoying listening to cabs drive by at 100 miles an hour on side streets honking at each other. But hey, whatever floats your boat Gia. Maybe you like the sound of fire engines, ambulances, police cars, and gunshots in the middle of the night too. These two couldn’t be any more different if they tried. Not saying opposites can’t attract, but I see zero connection with these two. Nada. Haven’t seen it since Day 1 even with knowing how long Gia lasted. And considering he told Ali later on in the show that she wasn’t set to go home, looks like Gia would’ve been gone last night if it weren’t for Facebook threatening Ali with her job if she stayed on the stupid show any longer.

-Speaking of Ali, her hometown date was up next in Williamstown, MA. I noticed when Jake got out of the car, he came running to Ali. Didn’t do that for Gia. Then again, he probably knew that Gia would go all chimpanzee and wrap her legs around him to cut off his circulation. Since it was wintertime in Massachusetts, the leaves were orange. And Ali informs us that when you play with the leaves and they fall, it means you’re supposed to make a wish. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth mentioning again. The whole “wish” thing is highly overrated and completely bogus. Really? You believe this stuff? All the wishes you’ve made when you blew your candles on your birthday – any of them come true? Any? Or how bout the numerous dimes and quarters you’ve throw into the fountain? I’m guessing you’ve never gotten that wish granted either. Let’s stop with saying by doing certain things, your wish will get granted. Especially when it comes to shaking the freakin’ leaves off a tree. Please. Well, Ali didn’t listen to my advice and her and Jake both make wishes. I wasn’t inside their head, but something tells me Jake’s wish was, “I hope Ali will accept the next rose and come to St. Lucia with me”, and Ali’s probably was, “I hope Facebook gives me another week off so I can chill in St. Lucia’s. Please don’t let me be another Ed this season.” See? Told you making wishes doesn’t work.

-The next part of the date was kinda bizarre. And creepy. Of course, the eternal optimist Chris Harrison will have you believe that Ali taking Jake through her dead grandmother’s house was one of the most touching moments in show’s history. Hmmmm, I didn’t think so. I’m sure Ali’s grandmother meant a lot to her. And I’m sure she loved her to death and was sad to see her leave this earth. But walking through an empty house with old pictures, and pretending she was there was not one of the more uplifting dates this show has ever had. For a second there, I thought Naomi was gonna appear and start a funeral service for some dead animal in the backyard again. The whole tour was just bizarre. I’m glad Ali was close to her grandmother, and maybe that gave her some closure, but it was just kinda awkward to watch.

-Let’s get to the family stuff, shall we? We get to meet Ali’s mom Elizabeth, her sister Raya, and her brother Mikey. Ali’s mom informs us that last time Ali brought a guy home, her mom could tell how unhappy she was. Was that because her boyfriend immediately wanted to start playing “Grand Theft Auto”? Or was he more of a “Wii Bowling” kind of guy? See, these are things I’d like to know. Or maybe it was because it was her 5th consecutive loser boyfriend whose name started with the letter “J”. That might be it. Then again, if I were Ali, and the last boyfriend I brought home was playing hide the pickle with her roommate, I’m guessing she would be unhappy. So how’d that work, Ali? The dude would be laying in bed and be like, “Honey, I gotta go to the bathroom. Be right back”, she’d fall asleep, he’d come back an hour later all sweaty and she was clueless? Someone get some background info on this cheating ex of Ali’s that liked laying pipe to the roommate when Ali wasn’t around. Or was around. Apparently this guy didn’t have a care in the world. Either he’s the greatest cheater known to mankind, or, he’s the biggest idiot walking the planet today. My guess is the latter. Congrats on cheating on your girlfriend with your roommate, pal. Yeah, like NO ONE would ever find that one out. Tiger couldn’t keep his mistresses in different states hidden from his wife, but this rocket scientist thought Ali wouldn’t get suspicious when he was helping the roommate with her homework. What a douchenozzle.

-Ali’s mom says at dinner that she didn’t know anything about Jake so she decided to go online and look some things up. She was very impressed with a quote she found that had a clip of him saying, “We all grow old but it’s what’s inside that’s really important.” Awwww, that’s cute. Hey, Ms./Mrs. Fedotowsky, I’ve another assignment for you. Go to www.RealitySteve.com, scroll down the right hand column where it says “Interviews”, and find the interview I did last season with Wes Hayden. Listen to him tell me that Jake told him last season, “Wes, I want America to fall in love with me because I want to be the next Bachelor”, and then let me know how genuine of a guy Jake is. If that’s not enough, fast forward to the part in the interview where Wes tells the story of Jake admitting to both he and Jillian that “God told him to come back and warn Jillian about Wes.” Do that for me, will ya? After that, kick Jake out of your house for being a complete phony and ask him how much he’s enjoying every second the publicity of this show is giving him. I think once you realize that, you’ll see your daughter made the right decision in bolting this show when she did.

-Ok, you all know I have plenty of pet peeves regarding this show. Hell, the whole show is a pet peeve of mine. However, the biggest one I have happened last night again – twice. First happened with Ali’s mother when Jake asked if, it ever got to that point, would he have her blessing for her daughter’s hand in marriage. So many things wrong with this. Yes, of course as a guy you ask a parent for their blessing to marry their daughter. But really? On a show like this? Ali’s mom has known Jake for what, 10 hours? 12 hours? And she’s honestly going to give someone she has personally known for less than half a day the right to propose to her daughter? Please. I understand this is all for show, and I guarantee if you ask any parent on this show who did that if they were told to say that, they’d probably admit they were, but please. Let’s be realistic here. Sure, the mother or father can always say, “Well, if this is what so-and-so wants, then you have my blessing”, but no parent would honestly ever admit that and mean it. Your daughter has known the guy for three weeks. You’ve known him less than a day. Yet you’d allow him to propose to her? God this show is f***in stupid. They actually expect us to believe this garbage?

-Tenley’s date is up next in Newburg, Oregon. This time, both Jake and Tenley are given running head starts towards each other and now they’re in a full sprint to fly into each other’s arms. Weeeeeee!!!!!! Once they take a seat, it’s time for more ex-husband talk. In fact, I think Tenley’s ex-husband got more airtime than any ex ever has in this show’s history. He should get residuals from this or something. Oh wait, I’m sure his family already got some from talking to the tabloids. I wonder if they asked Mr. Ryan Natividad how he felt about cheating on his wife with a co-worker. Thoughts, Ryan? A whole year into the marriage and you couldn’t shake yourself long enough to not cheat? Outstanding. Congrats on being a wonderful husband. I’m sure around the police station, you were probably getting high fives for banging the desk chick on the side. Probably won some sort of contest with all the other po-po’s. Anyway, Tenley asks Jake what role his parents play in his life, because she says her ex seemed to have his life planned out for him, and that didn’t really work for her. Ummmm, not to be too negative here, but Tenley seemed to marry quite the douchebag.

-Tenley takes Jake to her dance academy where she grew up dancing. She wanted to show him this because (surprise, surprise), her ex husband never appreciated her dancing and she was hoping that someone would. Now, I’m actually kinda shocked at how many of you in the last 10-12 hours or so since this has aired have either emailed me or posted on my Facebook wall how stupid you thought this dance was. I mean, really? Was it that bad? Hey, I’ve never had anyone dance for me before. I actually didn’t mind it at all. The woman loves to dance. So big deal she wanted to show him an interpretive dance she choreographed just for him. Hell, it’s better than Gia pointing out, “Hey, that’s the Empire State Building in case you’re an idiot”, or Ali giving him a tour through a haunted house, or Vienna, well, anything Vienna did at her backwoods home (more on that later). If anything, I think Tenley just wanted to show off her body to Jake. The woman is put together, no doubt. Although, I was pretty impressed she was able to dance around for a couple minutes with her hair blowing in front of her face the whole time. I can’t stand it when I’m not the treadmill and my short hair starts flapping around. Can’t imagine what it’d be like during a dance where you actually have to concentrate on where you land and everything. So I definitely think I’m in the minority when I say that I had no problem with Tenley’s choreographed dance for Jake.

-Also, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be in the minority on this as well, but I thought Tenley’s parents were about the most normal ones we’ve ever seen on this show. Mother wasn’t a lunatic asking stupid questions fed to her by producers, and the dad came across as a pretty sincere guy. Look, I’ve never been married so obviously I’ve never been divorced before. I’m guessing it was tough for him to watch his daughter get married to a Grade A pig. I can’t fault the guy for being happy for his daughter, and Tenley seems to be quite the happy camper since this show started. Of course, my pet peeve of her dad giving his blessing of allowing someone like Jake to propose to daughter (who at the time had been divorced for a whopping total of 9 months) was a bit extreme, but I get what he was saying. He just wanted the girl happy. Tenley’s dad Rob only said one thing I had an issue with. He told Jake he thought he was a “man of integrity”. So I guess Jake had him fooled too. Lets make no mistake that Jake Pavelka has wanted to be the Bachelor ever since probably his failed acting gig on “Walker, Texas Ranger”. He’s loving every minute of attention he’s getting from the show, he’s loving being the “Bachelor”, and he’s swimming in this pool of media bliss that keeps coming his way. Man of integrity? Lets tap the brakes on that one a little bit.

-The main thing to note about Tenley’s hometown date was that I believe there was crying in every scene. Tenley cried when she saw her mother, her and her died both cried when she was talking to him, her mom cried when talking to Jake, Jake cried when getting her dad’s permission, the dog cried when Jake sat on his chair, the sister cried when Jake ate all the food, Mike Fleiss cried when he saw his 3rd cousin Heidi on “Celebrity Rehab”, Ryan Callahan cried when Rozlyn laid her head on his shoulder, Chris Harrison cried when he realized all four hometown dates were done and there was still 45 minutes left in the show, Gia cried because she heard Tenley was crying, which then in turn made Vienna cry, and Ali caught wind of all this happening and cried because her grandmother spoke to her and said, “Get the hell off this show, go back to work, and make sure Jake never visits here again. He’s too short for you anyway.” So basically what I’m saying is, there was a lot of crying on this hometown date in case you didn’t notice. Even Maddie was crying. Why? Because daddy got mad at her for deciding to use my floor as her personal toilet when she knows she’s not supposed to. Bad girl. Well, that and the fact that Tenley’s dad made her cry too.

-Oh boy, time to talk about Vienna’s hometown date. It was the only date in the beginning where they didn’t specify exactly what city they were in. They just let it be known it was “Florida”. Probably a good thing. They really set the scene there with Jake and Vienna meeting in an alligator infested swamp. How lovely. Couldn’t think of a more romantic place for these two to rekindle their budding romance. Vienna: “I’m a Florida girl. This is where Jake is gonna fall for me.” And who wouldn’t in that lovely “Deliverance”-esque town you call home? Paris is supposedly the most romantic city in the world? B.S. Sanford, Florida is my cup of tea. I mean, in what other city when you’re boating around the lakes do you get to hear things like, “Hey, there’s a turtle over there on the log”, and “Ooooh look! An alligator!” I don’t know what the population is in Sanford, Florida (and I’m too lazy to Wikipedia it now), but after last night, I’m guessing it never grows by more than one in the next ten years. I’m SHOCKED that Vienna comes from such a place. Shocked, I tell you.

-More ex boyfriend talk while on the boat. Jake: “So has your dad liked everyone you’ve brought home in the past?” Vienna: “No.” Jake: “What about that one ex you eloped with that you milked his bank account to buy your plus 2’s?” Vienna: “No. He didn’t meet him til later. He was a good guy, he really was, but my dad knows this time it’s serious.” Oh, I bet your ex was a good guy, especially considering all you apparently got away with while he was over in Iraq. A former Hooters girl, mom is an ex-stripper, Miss December 2009 for some raggedy-ass bikini pin-up calendar, I mean – you can’t even make this stuff up if you tried. Next thing you’ll tell me is Vienna has always been an attention whore and wants to be famous someday. Whereas I’ve said in the past I have no idea what Tenley is doing on this show considering what she’s gone through the past year and her completely not fitting in with this show whatsoever, I can totally see why Vienna is on this show. And as much as everyone in America seems to hate her and think how white trash she is, if she’s not the perfect contestant to throw into the “Bachelor Pad”, then I don’t know who is. She’s competitive, no one will like her, she talks sh**, and she’s willing to do just about anything to be on TV. Hell, she might be the first reality TV contestant to sleep with every guy put in the house with her. Outstanding.

-Now it’s time to meet the man that produced this fine young spectacle of a woman. Vinnie is her dad’s name. Vinnie. I expected nothing less. Vinnie is a cross between Groucho Marx and the late Bruno Kirby, who played Billy Crystal’s best friend in “When Harry Met Sally”. And Vinnie is also is a solid judge of character. He lets Jake know, “I’m a pretty good judge of character, so I got a real good feeling about you.” Oh yes you are Vin Man. Starting with your daughter. You raised quite the little precious princess, didn’t you? And apparently Jake has him fooled as well. I mean, please. I think you could fool Vinnie with the quarter-behind-the-ear trick if you really tried. Jake wouldn’t even have to act or be phony to try and convince the Vinmeister he’s the one for his daughter. The fact that Jake still has all his teeth was probably the first sign to Vinnie that Jake and his daughter should make babies. Which I think they actually started trying to later on in the date. But that was after the back porch dinner.

-I loved the dinner scene. It was my favorite of the whole night. Out in the backyard, probably were eating some possum Vinnie had killed earlier in the day, mosquitoes flying all around, the backyard was filled with dirt and brown grass, I mean, it was so romantic, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Jake is totally in his element here, right? Right? I couldn’t even remember what was being said at dinner half the time because I was enamored with what I was witnessing. The Beverly Hillbillies had returned to TV! Hey, I’m sure the Girardi’s are very nice people who mean well, but lets face it, they’re a bunch of ‘billies through and through. Don’t tell me Vinnie doesn’t have an alligator skinned somewhere in that house. Or that there is a velvet couch somewhere in that house. Or that most of their meals are killed by Vinnie, Lisa, and the rest of their kin with their bare hands. Don’t tell me that’s not the case. I won’t believe you.

-Well either the dinner was my favorite part of the date, or Jake and Vienna making out in the back room was. This was straight out of high school. Them sneaking away to the back room, Dad barges in, “Oh sorry guys. I’ll leave you two alone. Jake, hope you got some good swimmers. You make me a happy granddaddy someday. You two keep on doin’ what you’re doin’. I’ll just be outside here listenin’ to the noises.” That was awesome. C’mon Vinnie, you didn’t really want 12 inches of space between Jake and your daughter did you? Vinnie is the best. I thought Tenley’s dad was my favorite ever. Nope. Not anymore. Vinnie takes the cake. He was a joy and pleasure to watch last night. I could’ve spent two hours checking out his antics. I seriously got a kick out of him. Sure he’s pretty out of touch with what the hell is going on in life, but hey, at least he was entertaining. Lets go skin a raccoon, Vinnie.

-So as you know, the last 45 minutes of the show were all about Ali being faced with the decision of whether or not to stay on the show or risk getting fired from her job. She shows up at Jake’s hotel room, tells him her work is making her choose between the job and the show, and asks for help in making her decision. Kinda. I mean, I think she wanted to hear she was more secure than a 1-in-4 chance, which she did, since Jake told her she wasn’t in danger that night. But even a 1-in-3 chance at an eventual failed relationship wasn’t enough to send her back to her job. Especially after Jake said, “I can’t tell you I’m gonna put a ring on your finger, but I can’t tell you that I’m not going to either.” Even if deep down inside Jake knew that Ali was the final one, he wasn’t allowed to tell her then and there anyway since then the show would be over. So nothing he said was really going to change her mind outside of him saying, “You’re the one I want to be with in the end”, which he couldn’t. So Ali decides to leave. Now, let’s get to the important things that everyone is asking today. Namely:

If Ali really did love him, why did she choose her job over him?

Ummmm, it’s 2010. This economy blows. I can’t believe how many people are bothered by the fact that she chose her work over Jake. Please. I thought it was a no-brainer. Yeah, I’ll give up a job at one of the up-and-coming companies in America at Facebook, to stick around on a show a couple more weeks where I’d have a 1-in-3 chance to maybe continue dating some guy that’ll eventually flame out. You people are nuts if you would give up a job for a guy. ESPECIALLY when it comes to this show. Maybe when you’re dealing with real life, and you’ve been seeing someone for a couple years, and it’s time to make that decision, then yeah, that makes sense. That’s real life. This isn’t. But after three weeks on a reality show that’s produced one marriage? Are you kidding me? You’re gonna give up a job in this economy to chase that pipe dream? Ali will have plenty of opportunities to meet better guys than Jake in the future. She made the right call. Grandma approves.

Was that actually real last night? Was Ali actually given an ultimatum by her job to come back to work or lose her job?

Listen carefully. The answer to both of those questions is “yes”. I was told that Ali told ABC before ever appearing on the show that Facebook would only allow her a certain amount of time off. ABC was well aware, as was Ali, that if it came to a point where Ali lasted long in the show, it could come to this. I was told that Ali figured ABC would kinda go to bat for her a little more and get work to not offer such a strict ultimatum, if she ended up making the final four. Didn’t happen. Maybe that was naïve of her to think that, or maybe not, but the bottom line was, she went into the show knowing this could happen, but figured, “Hey, I’m sure they’ll be able to work something out where I can stay longer and not lose my job.” Well, she figured wrong. So Ali was then told she needed to tell Jake about the situation and make her decision, which you all saw play out over a painful and unnecessary 45 minutes.

So what were Jake’s feelings for Ali?

Definitely real. I mean, she was into the guy, and Jake was definitely in to her as well. Was she willing to accept a proposal at the end? I mean, I think anyone in that situation, if proposed to, accepts the proposal, but knows in the back of their mind it’s more like, “Ok, this is the person I’m going to continue dating and get to know more before we set any wedding dates and start registering at Pottery Barn.” They absolutely both had feelings for each other, and Ali would’ve stayed around to see where it could go if she could’ve. But she wasn’t allowed to, and that’s that.

What about that phone call next week? How does that play in to everything?

Awwwww, c’mon people. You’re not gonna fall for ABC’s trick again are you? Remember when they teased DeAnna’s return all season with Jason and made you think it was because she was going to ask for him back, blah blah blah. Ali is contractually obligated to this show. If they tell her, “Hey, next episode, we’re gonna have you call Jake”, then that’s what she has to do. I’ve said it for the last two weeks, and I’ll say it again: Ali does not come back on the show to try and convince Jake she made a mistake, Ali is not the final one, there is no surprise return at any point in the show by her, and her and Jake are not currently together/dating/engaged or involved in any sort of relationship. I haven’t seen next week’s episode obviously, but I can guarantee you these phrases, or something very similar to them, will be coming out of Ali’s mouth during her phone conversation with Jake: “I’m sorry”, “tough decisions”, “hope you’re OK”, “follow your heart”, etc. Ali is not coming back on the show to try and win Jake back. Her phone call was just shown at the end of last night’s episode to get everyone talking for the next week and thinking there might be a possibility between the two of them reconnecting. They don’t. Can’t be any clearer than that.

How much of that whole 45 minute charade of her deciding whether or not to leave was real?

Well, all of it was real, but you gotta remember, this is only a 2 hour show. They can only show so much in a short amount of time. Jake and Ali had talked for HOURS regarding this whole situation. Her actually talking to Jake and telling him she was leaving only lasted a few minutes, but after basically 24 hours previous of going over everything and scenario presented, the only thing you can do at that point is keep repeating yourself. What was edited and shown was just bits and pieces of long conversational and emotional talks between Ali and Jake. So there were real feelings involved between the both of them, there was plenty of crying done over her leaving, but the edit only was allowed to show you bits and pieces. Lets also not forget, that filming lasted til the wee hours of the morning. Like 4:00 or 5:00am. I’m guessing at that point, both parties are pretty much “talked out” and Ali was probably even more emotional due to the fact that, well, she’s a woman. Couple the decision to leave with it being so early in the morning and she probably wants to just get it over with, yet producers are there with cameras egging on the drama, I’m guessing she was emotionally drained as well. Bottom line, she would’ve stayed if she could’ve, but she wasn’t allowed to.

So where does that leave Ali? Is she going to be the next “Bachelorette”?

In a word: Yes. I’ve been right about everything else I was told this season, and I think you will see I’ll be right about this. It hasn’t been announced yet, nothing has been signed, and nothing is officially official just yet, but I’m here to tell you Ali is going to be the next “Bachelorette” unless she decides at the last minute to say no. You heard it here first. That’s all I will say at this point, but I think I’ve proven to have a pretty good track record when it comes to this season’s information. Ali is their girl.

Wait Steve, so if she left the show because work wouldn’t let her stay any longer, how will they let her leave for two months to be the “Bachelorette”? And why would she choose her job over Jake, but now choose the show over her job?”

Those are the million dollar questions right now. I don’t know the answer to those. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s a little different being one of the 25, then it is having an 8 week nationally televised show watched by millions of people focus solely on you. I think for someone like Ali, who came from a small town and has had some relationship problems in the past, opportunities like this don’t come around too often. I can easily see the decision to dump Jake over work (look at the track record of the show), and I can see the decision to dump work over being the “Bachelorette”. Ask Trista, Meredith, Jen, DeAnna, and Jillian if they had to do it all over again, would they be the “Bachelorette” and I guarantee they all would say yes without a second of hesitation. Well, maybe not Jen Scheft. She’s probably the only one that would run screaming if they asked her again. But the others? In a second. It’s a pretty empowering thing as a woman to be the focal point of this show. I don’t fault her if she takes it, and I don’t think it makes her hypocritical either. I think they are pretty different situations. And who knows? Maybe since this aired, Facebook has had a change of heart and would actually let her do the show without firing her. You never know. Only time will tell. I’m sure many people will disagree with the choice of her being the Bachelorette, but I’m here to tell you, you should probably prepare yourselves for it. The storyline sets up perfect for her too leading in to next season. Second chance at love, this time she’s in control, she’s built up a pretty big fan base that feels horrible for what happened to her, etc. Get ready people. It’s coming.

-The only other thing really left to cover is Jake walking Ali to the car and saying, “I feel like you’re slipping right through my fingers and I don’t know how to stop you.” Please, for the love of God, someone go google every slow song ever produced and find me what song that line was stolen from. Ha ha…really Jake? Did you really go with that one? I mean, it was cheesy when he said, but good God, my keyboard is oozing Velveeta now after I typed it. I had to rewind to make sure that’s exactly what I heard come out of his mouth. Yep. It was. Congrats to Jake for giving us, what might be, the line that this franchise might now be know for forever. Even more so than the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever”. Sure, it’ll only get said once, but dammit, that’s all we needed. I’m gonna try that on someone someday and see if it has nearly the effect that Jake tried to have on Ali. Jake, thanks for the memories. Go go over to the steps and pull a Mesnick by crying on the railing. Granted, he didn’t wail away in tears like Jason did after letting Molly go, but Jake sure whipped up a couple to set the mood for everyone. He’s done it twice now. Once in Austin when he barged in on Wes and Jillian, and now in front of that hotel in Beverly Hills. Let’s see how many different states and cities Jake can cry in.
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